The Doings of the Anonymous Family

Over the Sea

2006-01-17T15:47:00.000-08:00

Despite the hysterical e-mails that the smaller Anonymous Sibs write that may eventually find their way here, I now live on the other side of the planet and can no longer record the wit, wisdom, and utter silliness that occurs in the Anonymous Household. So sorry. I hope this blog has been has enjoyable for you as it has been valuable for me--I can now type the word anonymous correctly and extremely quickly. All has not been in vain.

Thank you.
signed,
Anonymous Oldest Sister

P.S. Before reading any of the following, you may wish to view the cast of characters.

Kong Your Burger

2005-12-17T15:47:00.000-08:00

Anonymous Youngest Child: Well, I think that King Kong is just a pathetic movie. I mean, so a gorilla falls in love with a blonde chick. Like that's supposed to be cool.

Deepest Darkest Africa

2005-11-26T15:44:00.000-08:00

Anonymous Mother: Oh, we need to take The Polar Express back!

Anonymous Youngest Child: (turns whine up to full blast) Awwww, maaaaan, I only watched it once!

Anonymous Mother: Youngest Child! Don't complain about that. Be happy you got to watch it!

Anonymous Middle Sister: (with 'duh' written all over her voice) Yeah Youngest Child, some kids don't even have movies. Like in deepest darkest Africa.

Anonymous Younger Sister and Entomology

2005-11-09T19:02:00.000-08:00

Setting: I lounge on my parents' bed, waiting for the Anonymous Kidlets to come upstairs and start school. The schoolroom is my parents' room, you see. The sun pours through the curtains, the air con is on, and Anonymous Younger Sister comes bouncing through the door.

Anonymous Older Sister: Goodmorning, boing boing! (this seemingly appropriate, as Anonymous Younger Sister had lept onto the bed with a grin brighter than the sunshine.)

Anonymous Younget Sister: Hello, maggot! (gleeful laughter)

Anonymous Older Sister: Excuse me??? (the sunshine stopped being so bright. The birds stopped singing and the happy twinkly music was no more. Um, okay, that was over the top...)

Anonymous Younger Sister: (giggles) Maggot! I learned it in science yesterday. It's fly larvae! A baby fly! (gleeful laughter)

Anonymous Youngest Child enters the room.

Anonyomous Younger Sister: Hello maggot! (They both go into spasmatic laughing attacks.)

Anonymous Older Sister falls backward onto the pillows, wondering why our society chooses to educate small children, anyway.

Middle Sister's Views on Aliens

2005-10-28T09:23:00.000-07:00

Setting: Friday afternoon, living room. Anonymous Father is on computer, reading news and lamenting over the political situation in the U.S. Anonymous Middle Sister doing homework at a table across the room.

Anonyomous Father laments loudly over the state of the political situation in the U.S. and then wonders if Kerry would have done a better job.

Anonymous Middle Sister: (drily) I don't think so. Kerry was born on a little planet not called earth, dad.

Anonymous Older Brother At Large

2005-10-11T09:20:00.000-07:00

In the kitchen as I (Anonymous Oldest Sister) do dishes:

Anonymous Older Brother (enters room while speaking, gazing at the ceiling): What do you think the penalty would be for setting off an atomic bomb?

Me: (without turning from the sink) Death. Lots of death.

Anonymous Older Brother: (really considering this) I mean, would it be treason, or just defacing property?

Me: Felony. Definitely a felony.

Anonymous Older Brother: What if I did it somewhere that no one hung out at? Like Detroit?

And that, ladies and gents, is that.

The Anonymous Famiily Eats Dinner

2005-09-26T21:15:00.000-07:00

Setting: The anonymous dinner table, this time eating anonymous chicken steak sandwiches.

Anonymous Youngest Child begins pouring himself the milk. Reader should note that he has already succeeded in pouring the water all over the table before the events illustrated below.

Anonymous Older Brother: (believing that Anonymous Youngest Child might suffer from inadaquate depth perception) Hey, watch it! Let me help you! (Anonymous Youngest Child ignores him) Stop it!

Anonymous Little Sister: Hey, Anonymous Youngest Child, STOP! (Anonymous Youngest Child ignores her)

Anonymous Middle Sister and Anonymous Older Sister: (in stereo) Stop! (Anonymous Youngest Child proceeds to pour the milk)

Anonymous Siblings: Stop! (Anonymous Youngest Child wrinkles his nose and continues to pour. The glass wiggles ominously.)

Anonymous Older Brother: (stops shrieking like female siblings) Okay, look, let me do it. (takes glass and milk and pours it)

Anonymous Middle Sister: (condescendingly) Anonymous Youngest Child, you need to listen when people are talking to you. You already spilled the--

Anonymous Older Brother, Older Sister, and Little Sister: (in a tone of "can it already, chica") Anonymous Middle Sister...

Anonymous Middle Sister: Okay, okay. (Anonymous Youngest Child has developed a milk mustache)

Anonymous Father: You know, Anonymous Mother, I think they don't need us anymore. They can self-parent now.

Anonymous Little Sister: (grins like a jack 'o lantern) Does that mean Anonymous Middle Sister has to do whatever I say?

Anonymous Middle Sister: (ready to leap across the cucumbers and strangle Anonymous Little Sister) Oh, don't you even try that on me! You just...

The Anonymous Parents decide that the children might need a little more parenting after all. Anonymous Older Sister does the dishes.

The Love Life of Anonymous Little Sister

2005-09-18T21:12:00.000-07:00

Setting: An anonymous family is eating anonymous stir-fry around an anonymous dinner table. The anonymous conversation drifts toward very anonymous guys.

Anonymous Middle Sister: Well, I think Anonymous Little Sister likes So&So.

Anonymous Little Sister: I do not!

Anonymous Middle Sister: You said he was cute! I saw him and he got his hair cut now.

Anonymous Mother: (realizes what the Anonymous sisters are talking about) Little Sister is starting to like boys? When did I miss that one?

Anonymous Little Sister: Well, I only kind of do. Sometimes I look at So&So and I'm all like, "Whoa." (pauses for dramatic effect, eyes wide. Or maybe now is a 'whoa' moment) And then the next time I see him I'm like, "Eeeeewww." (makes a face and sticks tongue out) But then I see him again and I'm all like "Whoa." (pauses and contemplates the ceiling for a moment) Maybe it's because I don't get enough sleep at night. That's probably it.

This re-telling is Anonymous by the demands of Anonymous Little Sister. May she live forever.

The Further Education of Youngest Brother

2005-09-14T08:32:00.000-07:00

Setting: parent's bedroom/schoolroom. morning

Scene 1

Curtain on: Anonymous Youngest Brother is staring out of the window instead of concentrating like a good little boy should on his lovely little math lesson.

Me: (fearing another school day iiinnnncccchhhiiinng till 4 o'clock) Anonymous Youngest Brother? Hey! Youngest Brother! (he jumps, startled.) Can I close the curtain for you so that you don't get distracted and stare out the window?

Anonymous Youngest Brother: (eyes wide in horror) No! That wouldn't help! If you did that then I would just stare at the curtain!

Anonymous Little Sister: (from across the room) Anonymous Youngest Brother, you are so weird.

Scene 2

Curtain on: Anonymous Youngest Brother is working at his desk. I am sitting on the bed grading math. Anonymous Little Sister is on the floor cutting up magazines for a project about eating good food. Rain falls steadily into the flooded street in the background.

Anonymous Youngest Brother: (quietly reading his science book) "Speaking of digestion, I really need to go to the bathroom!" (he jumps up and runs out of the room. Anonymous Little Sister and I exchange a Glance.)

The Education of Anonymous Youngest Brother

2005-09-12T10:30:00.000-07:00

Setting: parent's bedroom/school room. morning

Anonymous Youngest Brother: (reading his science book) "Oh, that's why I have spit in my mouth. I always wondered why I had spit in my mouth."

Anonymous Little Sister "Saliva, Anonymous Youngest Brother. Saliva."

Anonymous Little Sister's Outfit

2005-09-11T10:24:00.000-07:00

Setting: parent's bedroom/children's schoolroom, morning

Background: Anonymous Little Sister woke up this morning and did her hair in pigtails--low ones behind her ears. She carefully let two strands hang over her face. Over that she slid on my brother's navy blue knit beanie (we live in a tropical climate, k?) and put on dark blue boot cut jeans (because she won't wear anything but boot-cut) and a crimson shirt that says "I Bite" in rhinestones. To top it off, she adds a decidely gothic choker. I wonder where she got that...?

Curtain opens on: a little punked out ten-year-old reading Shakespeare and singing Newsies songs at the top of her lungs.

Me: Anonymous Little Sister, where did you learn to dress like that?
Anonymous Little Sister: I made it up.
Me: No you did not. That is totally a TV look. Did you get it from a movie?
Anonymous Little Sister: Nope. I made it up.
Me: Do you have friends that dress like that?
Anonymous Little Sister. Nope. I made it up. I just thought it would all look cool together.

Anonymous Me is in wonder. This kids doesn't want to grow up my foot.

Cast of Characters

2005-08-11T08:04:00.000-07:00

My name is Anna. I live in Bangkok, Thailand, with my family of seven. They will remain anonymous, but I thought it would be a good idea to introduce them to you.

Anonymous Father is a missionary who works in the notorious red-light districts in Bangkok. He also spends a lot of time on the computer programming websites and doing computery things like that. He likes putting peanut butter on his macaroni and cheese.

Anonymous Mother is also a missionary who works in the infamous red-light districts in Bangkok. She spends a lot of time learning Thai, which is extremely difficult, I can assure you. There are five tones, you see, and bizarre syntax, but thank God no morphology. Look it up. She likes folding clothes. I'm serious. She's adorable, but a little crazy like that.

Anonymous Older Brother is almost 18. He's a space cadet and his goal in life is to rule the world. He plays computer games, does homework, and studies the failed plots of the greats like Napoleon, Genghis Khan, Alexander, and the lab rat called Brain. Mostly the computer games and homework though. He would like to inform you that squiggle.

Anonymous Middle Sister is 13. She's a pre-teen and her goal in life is to be a teen. She likes drawing and listening to books on CD. She really, really likes boys. They cause her to be strangely hyper. She denies that she likes them, but she draws pictures of boys all the time, so her word is doubtful. She is a very good artist, however. She likes to wear the largest hoop earrings she can find. She also has a huge temper.

Anonymous Little Sister is 10. She is a born performer and goofs, sings, or giggles all the time. Sometimes even when she is asleep. Her goal in life is to remain 10 forever, and she adamantly denies the fact that she will someday turn 11. Her favorite color is blue. She has Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat memorized. And she does the voices.

Anonymous Youngest Brother is 8. His secret goal in life is to become a superhero. Lately he has been practicing his fencing, just like Zorro. He also loves old cowboy movies starring people like Roy Rogers and the Beverly Hillbillies. I don't know why. He also follows Anonymous Little Sister everywhere and usually does whatever she tells him. Sometimes he realizes this is happening and becomes very angry because he has been manipulated. Because Anonymous Little Sister is a charmer, however, he usually is following her around ten minutes later.

And me? You'll just have to find out...